Momhood in a Nutshell

Did any of you, like me, come home from the hospital with a perfect newborn baby and feel abject terror over the responsibility required to do everything right from that day forward? I know I did and do live in the sense of fear that who I am will not be enough to properly nourish those in my life who deserve a true, pure love.

John Rosemond, family psychologist, has written a short piece in The Union Tribune by way of Knight Ridder News Service. This simple blueprint will let you know when you are on the right path. I found it very easy to understand in a world of too much conflicting information!

He writes:
In the early 1960s, songwriter-folk singer Pete Seeger wrote "Turn, Turn, Turn," which was later rocked up and made popular by The Byrds. The refrain was taken from The Book of Ecclesiastes 3:1, which read, "There is a time for everything, and a season to every activity under heaven."

The raising of children is marked by seasons. Season One, the season of service, begins at birth and lasts for two years during which parents orbit around the child in a near-constant ministry of "doing." In all cultures and in all times, the mother is the primary servant during Season One. The child, therefore, has every right to come to the conclusion that the way things are now is the way things will be forever--that his mother is there to do things for him.

Knowing that she was creating a monster, the old-fashioned mother, between her child's second and third birthdays, corrected his impression of the role she played in his life. She did so by taking him out of the center of her attention and putting herself at the center of his, by making him do for himself what she had one for him, and by making it clear that her relationship with his father trumped her relationship with him.

By the time he was 3 years old, he saw her with new eyes: once a servant, now a formidable authority figure. He knew she loved him, but he also knew that her word was law. Thus began Season Two, the season of leadership and authority, during which the parents' job is to govern the child such that he gradually develops the self-restraint necessary to govern himself responsibly during Season Three, the season of mentoring, which commences at age 13.

It is no coincidence that that early adolescent rites of passage of traditional cultures--the Jewish bar or bat mitzvah being an example--occur when a child is 13. These rituals mark and celebrate a major transition in the parent-child relationship. The child is self-governing. He no longer needs people telling him what to do, running his life; rather, he needs mentors to help him prepare for emancipation which inaugurates Season Four, the season of friendship.

These days, the raising of children is rarely occurring in accord with its natural seasons. The ubiquitous symptoms, in reverse order: boomerang children and late emancipation; disrespectful, self-destructive, depressed, irresponsible teenagers; and toddler characteristics (short attention span, impulsivity, low tolerance for frustration, tantrums, defiance, and so on--i.e., ADD) still exhibited well beyond toddlerhood.

The breakdown is occurring between the second and third birthdays, when it is critical that the mother effect and complete the transition between Season One and Season two, from servant-ship to leadership. This transition took place rather reliably up until some 50 years ago. It takes place rarely today, because the American mother no longer receives the support that she needs to bring about this critical change in her child's perception of her. The new standard has it that a good mother is one who serves her child in perpetuity.

He finishes by saying:

I salute those moms who duck cultural pressure and claim their authority over their children, transforming them from little tyrants into well-mannered little people. Don't let the dirty looks bring you down, ladies.

I list the four Seasons for review:

Season One, the season of service, ages 0-2
Transition from Season One to Season Two, age 3
Season Two, the season of authority/leadership, ages 3-13
Season Three, the season of mentoring, ages 13-18
Season Four, the season of friendship, age 19 and a lifetime!

I predict that if you follow this formula the teen years will be some the richest you will spend with your children rather than the most terrifying!

Comments please!