I was contacted by Margot Carmichael Lester for an article on Mid-Life Dating. She isn't sure exactly where I will get quoted but I am going to post our question and answer dialogue:
Margot: Please comment for a story on dating a widow/er:
1) What's the most important thing to remember when dating a widow/er? Why?
Some widow/ers were in love with their mate, others weren't. I personally would prefer the grieving lover to the newly escaped... Some also have issues with realizing too late how much they really did love their spouse but didn't show/voice it clearly. I find those with regrets have the most fragile psychology to deal with.
Everyone grieves in their own way, some openly, some quietly. As the potential new love interest, your sense of self needs to be centered enough to allow the widow/er to deal with putting their passed love in perspective and THEN discovering where you might fit in their future. If you need immediate assurances, move one. You do not have a right to interfere with another human's need to make sense of their pain. Be there for them, listen, support and validate that love for their mate may change but does not need to lessen over time. Someone who truly loved their spouse will eventually be able to truly love you too, but only in their own time. When you encourage and validate the love they have felt, chances are good that that love will move forward towards you.
2) When is it ok to ask about the former spouse? And how can you start that conversation?
As soon as I knew I was with a widow/er, I would say something like, "I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine such pain. I'd love to hear about your wife/husband whenever you feel like talking." You see, I really do want to know how deeply this individual can love because I want to be loved deeply too and this person may be a good candidate!
3. Some daters feel jealous of the strong feelings widow/ers have for their former spouses. What are two "reality checks" for these folks to help them deal with their feelings without hurting those of the widow/er?
Just go with it for pity's sake! How do YOU want to be loved? What if YOU predeceased the love of your life? Do you want their loneliness to follow them to their grave or do you want to have the love you had for each other move forward? Wouldn't you hope the new love to be 'fond' of YOUR memory?
A bigger question may be 'How well do YOU love?' not the widow/er. Join the widow/er in embracing their lost love. I suggest creating shrines, speaking highly of the departed and celebrating the fact that you are getting time with this marvelous human being, truly a gift from the departed. Treat the deceased like your best friend. The heart is big enough for both you and the deceased. You should be big enough to share.
Each mind takes its own time to adjust. The widow/er may remember their spouse as magical. Join their thinking and you take on magic of your own.
4. What else should daters know about going out with a widow/er? Why?
Many have not dated in years and have no idea how to even approach the process. There may be a lingering sense of 'cheating' that must be worked through. Unless you're recently single and unskilled yourself, your dating skills should include the ability to be still and let this wonderful human being (as you've already ascertained) move toward you.
So Dear Blog Reader--if you hear or see any of this out there, let me know. Margot is an advice Columnist and Feature Writer for Match.com and love.msn.com.
